


Two of a kind

by LightRen



Category: Shadow and Bone (TV), The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Alina Starkov is Still a Sun Summoner, F/M, Hallucinations, I Don't Even Know, I Made Myself Cry, Lucid Dreaming, POV First Person, Post-Book 3: Ruin and Rising, Regret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 16:34:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29353527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LightRen/pseuds/LightRen
Summary: “Alina?” He looked worried, angry and frightened all at once“Yes?” my voice is rough, as if I’d been screaming for hours.“Who- who’s Aleksander?”— post ruin and rising —
Relationships: The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova & Alina Starkov, The Darkling | Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	Two of a kind

I’m floating, drowning in a pile of warmth and flowers and... laughter?

My whole body feels weightless, I feel as though I’m flying and falling at the same time.

I sit up and I cant place where I am, it’s foreign to me but it feels like home.

The laughter starts again, i can hear it so clearly but it’s too far away for me to grasp, a man? And a child.

His voice. It sounds familiar to me, it registers in my bones but still I cannot remember it. The child’s laughter is a sound of absolute delight, again it is so familiar, so known to me.

I manage to stand, I manage to walk through this strange place, a place of clouds and throw cushions and blankets and home.

The sound starts again, behind me this time. 

He’s there.

As soon as I turn I know it’s him. I’d know him anywhere.

“Aleks” I breathe, I’m not surprised to find tears in my eyes but they shock me all the same.

The laughter stops, they both turn to face me, I cant breathe, I cant move, I cant think.

“No” it escapes from my lips unbidden and I immediately regret it. I see tears form in the child’s eyes, my eyes i realise with a start. Those are my eyes. i see her turn to him, i see him take her into his arms and shush her, kiss her unruly black curls and whisper something in her ear, it makes her laugh again and I’ve never been so high.

Aleksander looks at me then, turns himself fully so he can face me straight on, his face breaks out in the most beautiful smile as if he finally registers me, the girl turns on his lap and reaches out for me, i find myself walking to them, drifting towards their warmth.

“Alina” and my name sounds so perfect on his lips, i never want him to say anything else. I’ve missed it far too much.

“Alina” he says it over and over whispering it and smiling at me and it breaks my heart, it shatters me, he takes the pieces of me and he doesn’t give them back. 

I’m frozen, I can’t walk any further. All I’ve ever wanted seems insignificant, all that matters is that I get to them, i need it I crave it I cannot be without it. 

Their conversation seems muffled, they look away from me as if I were never there and I see it then, what they are doing, they’re playing a game, a terrible game, one that I never dared to play.

The little girls a sun summoner. I realise it and it makes me panic, he’s going to take her, use her as a weapon, use her as he wanted to use me, destroy her and carve her into his perfect monster.

I try to scream, stop it I yell at her but I can make no noise, I’m frozen and all I want to do is scream and scream and tell her stop it stop it you cannot show him what you can do!

Aleksander opens his hand, “NO” I scream it and this time my voice reverberates around the void, they seem as though they did not hear me, they are further away now, slightly blurred and fading at the edges.

Aleksander opens his hand and shadows dance across his fingertips, he traces her nose and shadows curl into her hair and make her giggle, she reaches out to him and touches his face, she lets her light wander across his eyelids.

I watch in a stunned kind of awe as he takes her hand and together they create patterns between them, weaving their aspects together and smiling as though they are sharing secrets.

guilt guilt guilt shameless guilt 

He wouldn’t hurt her I realise, it is not something that he would do, i don’t understand but I know it to be true. I see the way he sits, he bends as though he is shielding her, when he first looked at me it was with panic and a protective instinct.

“Alina?” She whispers is so softly i think for a moment I must have imagined it.

“No she’s not here” I see the girls face contort, her eyebrows furrow and her mouth pout.

“She was i saw her” she says it indignantly as if the very notion of her being wrong is ridiculous, i want to laugh and cry at the same time

“No love, she isn’t, she’s not real remember? She comes sometimes but she isn’t real. She doesn’t remember us, she isn’t ours”

“Oh” she stops and looks directly at me, “no” she whispers it so quietly, so so quietly and I want so badly to take her into my arms.

“Will she ever be ours?” He seems to contemplate this and then he too looks at me, “Alina?” 

I don’t speak for a beat and then “Aleksander” his lips quirk but he shakes his head, “I don’t know, I don’t know.” 

They both turn away from me and whisper my name over and over, as if I’m some spectacle, as if im the most interesting topic. They fade faster now.

“No no no, please don’t go!”

I beg them but they don’t hear me, they don’t listen, they carry on whispering and giggling and playing.

The room goes dark and I can’t find them, I cant summon i cant do anything, I hear them saying my name but I cannot move I cannot breathe I simply exist. This is hell I think. This right here because standing here and not sitting there with them, letting my light dance across their skin feels so wrong that it hurts, I feel it in the core of my being, I close my eyes, slam them shut against the onslaught, it spreads until I’m choking on it, drowning, suffocating, “Alina?”

Hes behind me now, smiling lazily at me, “my name, will you say it?” 

I break then, falling to my knees and I find myself sobbing, he kneels down as if to comfort me but I do not deserve it, it is not mine to take.

“i am so sorry I’m so so sorry please.”

“Will you take it?”

I gasp again, the memories, the ones that I’ve suppressed, buried where even I cannot find them arise, they grasp me and pull my under and I can’t do it I can’t be here and not reach out, so I do.

I pull him so I’m clinging to his shoulders, burying my face in his neck and this, I think, this is my personal punishment because this is my fault.

“Aleks- Aleksander Im so sorry I’m so sorry”

He wraps his arms around me, “it’s okay, it’s okay, Alina, Alina” he says my name into my hair until I stop shaking, until I stop moving, until I stop feeling anything but him.

He says it and I feel myself fall asleep, drift into unconsciousness against my will, I feel him tense as I start to fade, he whispers my name again and again and again until I know nothing but his voice.

“Alina” the voice is all wrong, it isn’t his and I hate it, it’s an octave higher than his and it’s all wrong, so wrong. 

Consciousness grabs me and my eyes burst open to a dark room, I search for him but he is no longer on my arms, 

“Al-“ I manage to choke out 

“Shhh it’s okay”

The voice makes me jump, mal.

It isn’t real, I berate myself for being so selfish, I hate myself in that moment so so much.

I’m crying, I realise. Fat tears run down my face and my hands, my hands are shaking.

“Alina?” This time I turn to him, he’s sat in bed beside me, sheets bunched around his waist and it’s all wrong so so wrong and I’ve never ever felt this way.

His eyes, his eyes are bright blue, like a stormy sea, they should be grey i think, nearly white with thunder and rain in their depths.

His hair, his hair is a mousey brown, so wrong so so wrong.

“Alina?” He looked worried, angry and frightened all at once

“Yes?” my voice is rough, as if I’d been screaming for hours.

“Who- who’s Aleksander?”

**Author's Note:**

> I might write a second chapter I’m not sure yet!


End file.
